the lemonade

i'm gonna write about the first time we met and the moment i fell in love with you. and how it took me so long to realise that - for a moment there -  you felt the same and the happiness i still can't describe. the happiness i found in your arms, the happiness you found between my legs.
i'm gonna write about how everything collapsed before it began and how i thought i would be fine. i'm gonna write about how i never knew the meaning of 'fine' ever again.

i'm gonna write about all the blood, all the drama, all the times i thought i would die. and then i'm gonna write about when i got sick too. and how the sickness end up killing half of me.

i'm gonna write about my darkest times and my surrender. i'm gonna write about all the things i've learned. i'm gonna write about all the things you made learn. and i'm gonna write it because i haven't learned a thing.

i'm gonna write about how i gave up on myself so i would never have to give up on you. i'm gonna write about how i would never blame you. but i'm gonna write about it anyway.

i'm gonna write the saddest love story we never lived.
i'm gonna be rich as the fuck you never gave me.
and after all the lemons you made me suck without ever knowing, i'm gonna have my lemonade.

on an island that i own
tanned and rested and alone
surrounded by enormous piles of money