all the things caught in my mind
I changed for the first time when my aunt died. Not just a regular aunt, she was a second mother to me - something that is too good to be real. One's not supposed to have two moms and a father. It was the very first time I felt pain, the real one. It's funny 'cause you sometimes think you're in pain or in love. And then you feel the real thing and it scares you enough to realize you have never felt it before.
Anyway, I felt pain. I actually cried for the first time. Life had been kind to me until that day, it took me 19 years to cry. I am thankful for that. Also, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned because when you feel real pain, you can't help but enjoy the rest of your days, the goog days and the bad ones, 'cause you just know it can get so much worse than that.
Working on a ship changes you. It does. But you have to live the full experience, otherwise you are just working on a ship, not living it. Living on a ship changes you. It changed me.
But it change me for good, so I'm not complaining. Suddenly you have bigger things to care about, more important things to think of, other plans. You don't care anymore if São Paulo wins the Libertadores, you don't care if Serra is going to be the next president. But you do care about the moon and how gorgeous it looks tonight.
Love also changed me. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had fallen in love before living on a ship. Because only after that I could understand the meaning of love and how lucky I am to have someone to think of before sleeping. And no, he's not calling me every moring, he's not wearing a ring, he never said he loved me back. He's not my boyfriend and he'll probably never be. But I love him and I love the fact that I love him. I love the fact that I found him among 6 bilions of people in the world. I love him and that's good enough.
And then I though I would die. I got sick and that changed me the most - 'cause I got fat. It might sound funny but it is actually not. I mean, I joke about it all the time and I really don't mind people making fun of me. But I cannot explain to you how it is not to recognize yourself in photographs anymore. To look on the mirror and hate the person staring back to you because that person probably ate the old you. I use to secretly pray to never run into someone I knew, I was so embarassed that I was suddenly fat. Besides, I used to wonder whether I was going to die. Wonder if you're going to die is not the nicest thing one can do, you know? And I was so angry, so damn angry. I couldn't find out why the heck God chose me to suffer all that if I had always been a good person. It was hard to understand that I wasn't going through that because of the things I had done, it was because of the things I have to do now. That was just God kindly asking me to change once again. And I did.
Anyway, I felt pain. I actually cried for the first time. Life had been kind to me until that day, it took me 19 years to cry. I am thankful for that. Also, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned because when you feel real pain, you can't help but enjoy the rest of your days, the goog days and the bad ones, 'cause you just know it can get so much worse than that.
Working on a ship changes you. It does. But you have to live the full experience, otherwise you are just working on a ship, not living it. Living on a ship changes you. It changed me.
But it change me for good, so I'm not complaining. Suddenly you have bigger things to care about, more important things to think of, other plans. You don't care anymore if São Paulo wins the Libertadores, you don't care if Serra is going to be the next president. But you do care about the moon and how gorgeous it looks tonight.
Love also changed me. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had fallen in love before living on a ship. Because only after that I could understand the meaning of love and how lucky I am to have someone to think of before sleeping. And no, he's not calling me every moring, he's not wearing a ring, he never said he loved me back. He's not my boyfriend and he'll probably never be. But I love him and I love the fact that I love him. I love the fact that I found him among 6 bilions of people in the world. I love him and that's good enough.
And then I though I would die. I got sick and that changed me the most - 'cause I got fat. It might sound funny but it is actually not. I mean, I joke about it all the time and I really don't mind people making fun of me. But I cannot explain to you how it is not to recognize yourself in photographs anymore. To look on the mirror and hate the person staring back to you because that person probably ate the old you. I use to secretly pray to never run into someone I knew, I was so embarassed that I was suddenly fat. Besides, I used to wonder whether I was going to die. Wonder if you're going to die is not the nicest thing one can do, you know? And I was so angry, so damn angry. I couldn't find out why the heck God chose me to suffer all that if I had always been a good person. It was hard to understand that I wasn't going through that because of the things I had done, it was because of the things I have to do now. That was just God kindly asking me to change once again. And I did.